People react to my gym habits in a few ways:
- Enthusiasm and comradery
- Astonishment and bewildery
- Distain and judgement
- Apathy and avoidance- even rejection
The first reaction makes me feel connected to an undiscovered community that both delights and terrifies me. I've never made friends easily. Shockingly, as Science Super Bowl team captain and Game Club organizer, I was not a favorite or even noticeable member of the herd. I had a few close friends growing up, but the only collective memory of me is "that shy girl". When I get noticed or even commended on my performance in a gym, I get so giddy. Often the achievements themselves are not particularly noteworthy, but the shout-out means that I exist on the radar in that moment, and that metallic solidarity gives me a place somewhere where I can contribute value via my efforts.
The second reaction makes me feel like I have an alter-ego. I have been into comic books since I was a kid. It all started with trading X-Men cards with the neighborhood kids. Something about the diversity of X-Men and the mutant powers that even women in that universe had thrilled and delighted me. I am probably way too old to be dressing up like my childhood idols now, but I've adopted a YOLO attitude when it comes to outside perception of my behavior. The more I lifted weights and became stronger, the more connected I became to those super women. I became more unusual, and I developed almost an alter-ego. I can be business/educator Bunny: Wearing button up shirts, smiling prettily, one part quiet librarian/ one part lady TED talker. Then I can break it down and wear a bodycon Marvel dress that shows off my traps and lats with a pair of strappy red heels that make my legs scream quadzilla.
The third reaction is becoming my favorite. I have always struggled with the way others perceive me. I have spent most of my life modifying my behavior to avoid conflict, to blend in and be generally tolerated. This inclination has been a total waste of most of my energy. I think I became most aware of my capitulating tendencies when I started building my body athletically. I got a lot of resistance from close friends and family. You'll get big and gross. You're gonna get hurt. Guys don't like muscles. You spend too much time at the gym. Gym is a waste of money. For a long time, I let all of these criticisms pick at my pleasure. I was afraid to test my physical limits. I felt guilty for putting resources into fitness. Somewhere along my journey, I realized that what I was doing with my body was making me a better person. I have never been happier, stronger, more confident and healthier. I am defying these critiques and making this journey my own, and I am taking it upon myself to inspire others to shut out the nay-sayers. Take that resistance and realize that power comes from within. Sustainable motivation starts and ends with yourself. Opposition exists so that we can struggle and experience the value of what we have and what we want. I absorb all of the negativity like sunlight and make it my fuel for progress.
The fourth and final reaction took me the longest to cope with. Not everyone is going to dig my style, my hobbies or my motivations. I am recently more ok with this (probably not completely). My overweight relative living in BFE, USA might not want to see my bare midriff. They might even straight up tell me, or pass it through a granny-gram that I am conceited and frivolous. I might get my news-feed blocked, I might even get unfriended! Oh the humanity. Eyes might roll away from me in a conversation. These things happen. The world is not ending. I have learned that the people who love and support me will always be present as long as I am happy and healthy. Even with my weird interests and spontaneous (often fickle) enthusiasm. I have decided that I am going to put myself out there for me, and maybe the precious few who might get enlivened or rejuvenated by what I have to offer.
I continue to lift because I freaking enjoy it. I love crushing it at the gym. I love flexing in the mirror and noticing new definition and striation. I am so bummed that I never took a real start picture. At the top of the page I posted a side by side- the left was 3/2015 the right was 9/2013. I was already a few months into lifting, but that moment was really the first time I had the guts to post my post-baby belly publicly. It was the first time I felt compelled to ever take a semi-revealing photo of myself. For years I hid in (and from) photos because I felt unremarkable and forgettable. Lifting has given me the confidence to bare-all... nearly ;)
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Go out today and do what makes you feel better, stronger and more confident. I plan on wearing a crop top to a festival for the first time in my life this Saturday. Check my Instagram for updates. Let me know what motivates you, how you cope with opposition, and what inspires you to achieve more. Have a great week!
